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Mar 27

If Animals Could Talk Updates

Two Owls talking about a third Owl:
"What happened?"
"Turned his head all the way around and it got stuck there."
"Now he has to walk backward everywhere he goes."

Two Owls talking:
One Owl says: "How was the party last night?"
Second Owl says:" It was a hoot."
First Owl says: "Guess I should have seen that one coming."

Two Owls talking about a third Owl.
"What happened? Turned in his University Hat."
"Got 150k in college loan debt and decided to come back to the forest and live cheap."

Two Blue Jays talking:
"What happened to Bob, he has completely lost his color."
The other Blue Jays says: "Damned Chickadees put bleach in his bird-bath."

Mother Chipmunk talking to teen Chipmunk:
"Now I don't want you to eat your nuts standing up like your father. Sit down here at the table and eat like a civilized rodent."

A Vulture went to the mountain to talk to the Vulture Muse asking:
"Oh Muse how can I change my life?"
The muse replied: "You have to stop eating dead things."
"Oh." said the Vulture.

Two Cows talking about a third Cow:
"She is so rude. You'd think she was raised in a barn."
"Moo" said the first Cow.

Two wild horses looking at two saddle horses:
"Look at that, first they get your trust, then they jump on your back trying to ride you, then, get this,  they want to you chase cattle for no reason whatsoever."

Two Ants looking at two Praying Mantis:
"You know after mating she will eat him. That is the Mantis Way."
Second Ant: "Tough Love."
First Ant: "A Valentine Gone Bad."

Female Praying Mantis to another female Praying Mantis:
"You know I really loved him. He was delicious."

Father Lion to Teen-Aged son Lion:
"Have you tried to maul, kill, and eat anything in your entire life?"

One Spider to a black Widow Spider:
"Why do they call you a Black Widow?"
"Because after love making I just go crazy and eat my lover."
The second Spider says "Thanks for the tip. You're cute but not THAT cute. Let's just be friends."

Two Antelopes talking:
"Our best hope is to get on the Endangered Species List."

Two birds looking at  line of Crows sitting on a telephone wire:
"I swear they look like undertakers waiting for someone to die."

Two Eagles talking:
"It was horrible, they captured him, melted him down, and put him on their money."

Moby Dick to a Whale friend talking about Captain Ahab.
"When we first met he told me he was a surfer."

Two Prairie Dogs watching two Buffalo mating:
"Those two ought to do that in a burrow like we do.

Two Birds watching two Doves billing and cooing:
"Those two just ought to get a room."

Two Female Lions talking:
"Tried to tell her but she wouldn't listen-bikini's just don't look good on Lions."
"Look that top just won't stay up," said the second Lion."

Two Lions talking to other Lions: lining up for the hunt:
"Ok, sorry folks can't do the hunt today: we are all out of sun-screen."

Two Ostriches talking:
What happened?
"Saw this truck, got frightened. Put his head in the sand in the middle of the road.
He's ok now. But he is re-locating his head hole."

Two Birds talking:
"What happened?
"We were having a dispute and then he flipped himself over on the tree branch."
"He was flipping us the bird!"

Two spiders talking about a black widow spider:
"Did you and she date for a while?" "Yeah, but she starting talking about how she was hungry and wanted me for dinner."

Dad dog to son dog:
"Its not natural son. You just can't have a cat for a girl friend. 

Two female dogs looking at a male dog sniffing a female dog:
"Supposed to have a terrific sense of smell yet every time he has to get up real close."

One cat to another:
"What happened"
"Master's kid put him in the dryer. Now he looks like he has a afro all over his body."

Two female dogs looking at and talking about a male dog
"Considers himself so suave; and still drinks out of the toilet."

Two cats talking:
"The cat food this week is horrible. I threw it up."
"No worries, the dog will come along and scarf it all up."

Two Robins talking about an all Crow Jury:
"That Bird is dead; they all are undertakers on that Jury."
"And they look it" said the second bird

Two Monkeys talking:
"When they said Monkey Bars, I was thinking school yards."
"I ended up "the Monkey Behind Bars" at the county jail."

Two Snakes talking"
"It ain't easy being green, but worse  why did we end up being the Phallic symbols of the world."
"Yeah, hard to explain to the kids."

Two Male birds talking looking at a female bird:
One bird says: "She isn't so hot."
"I donno," says the second bird "she flits those tail feathers and birds for miles around fall out of the trees."

Two Antelope are talking:
"What happened with Bob?
"Got caught cheating on our 1,000 mile migration."
"What did he do?"
"Took the subway."

Two Male Vultures looking at a female Vulture:
"Didn't you and she date at one time?"
"Yeah, but we had a bad fight over some carrion."
"Just sad that dead meat drove us apart.

Two Birds sitting on a branch with their wings over their ears looking at a third bird:
"Who told that Crow he could sing?"

Two Birds watching a woodpecker pecking:
"All that head banging has made him daft."
"No listen. It is Morse Code."

Gazelle to Lion looking to eat him:
"I wouldn't; I got gas and just had Chinese. You'd only be hungary again in an hour."

Two Rabbits looking at two humans:
"I wish they would give up the "lucky rabbits foot" idea. Got lots of limping Rabbits from all that."

Yeah, said the second rabbit-lucky for whom?"

Two Parrots attending their first Board meeting:
"These people have stolen our act, they mimic everything they hear."

Two Dinosaurs talking:
"Asteroid? What Asteroid?"

Two Lions talking:
The Antelope are making me sick. I am leaving going to become a vegetarian:
"Oh, really says the second Lion?"
"Yes, indeed, do you know the way to Vegetaria?"

Bird of Paradise to the Guru of Complaints Bird
"People never listen to me."
Guru: "What did you say?"

Two mother pigs talking:
Where's Junior?
"Sent him to his grandmother's house
He is three years old and just hasn't caught the hang of wallowing yet."

Fly to the Guru of Complaints Bird:
"People say I complain too much."
"Yes," said the Guru of Complaints. "I agree with them, buzz off."

Two maggots talking:
"Just you wait and see one day when I grow up I will sprout wings and fly away from all this and go out into the world and infect something."

Two Seahorses talking to a third Seahorse:
Yes you are a seahorse, true, but still a saddle on a seahorse makes no sense whatsoever.

Two Horses talking about a third horse:
"What happened to Bob, only half of him is there?"
"His front part, as you can see, is fine, but, his rear-end got elected to Congress."

Two Vultures looking at Lions hunting:
"Actually hunting for them would be a lot easier if they did what we do: Simply wait for something to drop dead."

Two Vultures talking looking at a female Vulture:
"Didn't you and she date at one time"
"Yeah, bad breakup. Told me she wouldn't marry me if I had  the last piece of rotting carrion on earth."

Two Vultures looking at a Zombie:
"I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot beak."

Mother Vulture talking casino online to teen-vulture:
"Don't do that. Now you've got blood stains all over your beak. Here wipe it on this Antelope carcass."

Two Antelopes talking:
"What's up with the Lions? They are acting crazy today."
"Well a bunch of Antelope ate a whole bunch of Loco Weed and dared the Lions to eat'um.
The Lions then went nuts. 
Couldn't figure out what to do."

Second Antelope: "Where can I get me some of this Loco Weed?"

Two Antelope talking looking at a Lion flying by over head:
"What is going on?"
"Oh, that," said the first Antelope "every year the Elephants hold a Lion chucking contest."
"Awesome." said the second Antelope.
First Antelope. "Quick duck!

Two Lions complaining about the hunt:
"It is crazy. The antelope are wearing camoflouge and packing heat. This is nuts."
Second lion: "Some are wearing bullet proof vests too. Broke a tooth on one of those things."

Lion in therapy:
"Donno, chasing, mauling, eating and gouging has just lost its thrill for me."

Lion in therapy:
"Donno doc, baby Lion kept asking me how I could go out and maul, kill and eat Bambi every day. Didn't have an answer for her."

Mother and Dad Antelope to son returning from Antelope College:
Now tell us how could you fail running and jumping class?

Two Antelope talking:
What is up? The Lions are really grouchy today.
The humans put a fence around the coffee plantation yesterday. The Lions are three hours without their coffee fix.

Lion whispering to an Antelope: You know I really like Sushi.
Antelope: 'You talking to me?"

Two cats looking at a third cat:
"When she gets upset she won't look at you, turns around, tail up, walking away showing you the cat one-eyed salute."

German Sherpard dog to another German Sherpard dog:
"I donno Hans, a poodle-cut just doesn't look good on a German Sherpard."

Two dogs talking:
"Next time the door bell rings we rush the door and pass out the hostage note."

Two ducks flying in formation:
"Embarassing: This formation, from the ground, I tell you, looks just like a flying wedge-of-cheese. Uncool."

Two Huskies after winning a thousand mile race in the snow in Canada:
"We run a thousand miles, win the race, and all we get is this hunk of seal blubber?"

Two Kangaroos talking looking at a Wallaby:
"Always has to be different. Can anybody tell me the difference between a Kangaroo and a Wallaby?"


Tourists talking to the park police about Racoons:
It was horrible they stole all our peanut butter and wore masks so we couldn't see their faces.

Paranoid Chipmunk to himself:
"They're all after my nuts."

Two snakes talking in the Garden of Eden lookng at Eve.
"She blamed it all on us and we don't even eat apples."

Two Egyptians looking at a Pyramid being finished.

"Why is it pointed at the top?"
Second Egyptian: "Matched Pharoah's head."

Eagles Flying over a group of Indians:
"First thing, we swoop low and triple beak that one called Chief Big Eagle Feather. That was my nephew."

Two Robins talking:
No, lets skip the worm today, have you tasted worm? No, lets go for the bird seed instead.

Crow to a Crane with long legs:
Why the long legs?
"I'm in politics, I'm always knee-deep in a lot of crap in my job."

Two Crows looking at a scare crow:
"What is this? Do they expect us to be fooled by a scare crow wearing last years fashion?"

Two Alligators talking:
"Where is Bob suddenly getting all this money these days"
"When to Tiffany's opened his mouth wide disguising himself as a handbag, waited for the change over from the old purse, and then he ran like hell."

Two Alligator handbags talking as two ladies paused to chat:
First alligator handbag:  "The perfume in here is stiffling and the lip stick has smeared. Now I got two big red lips."

"Humiliating." said the second Alligator "I have this Fru-Fru dog butt in my face all day."

Two Cardinals sitting in a tree watching a Cardinal football game.
"Took our name and we have to watch the game from a tree."

Satan watching a TV basketball game:"
There is no such thing as a Duke Blue Devil, I should know and even if there was, he would not be no Duke. But they are still my team. "Go Devils."  I like saying that."

Two Animals talking:
"What is going on?"
"The animals are upset."
"All these basketball and football teams have taken our names and we don't get a dime of the TV residuals.
"Hello! Bird seed is getting expensive out here."

Skunk on a Train as animals hold their noses and look away from him.
"Sorry I suffer with a gland ailment which is not in my control."
Skunk thrown off a moving train.

Skunk in therapy:
"People just don't like the way I smell."

Elephant to a mouse:
"Run up my trunk one more time and I will sneeze you to Mars."

Ostrich in therapy:
"People keep saying I am the ugliest bird on the planet aside from Big Bird and Vultures."

Two Female Antelopes talking looking at a male Antelope:
"You're pregnant? What happened with him?
Told me he was a gynocologist."

Two Flowers talking looking at a male Humming Bird looking to suck some nectaur:
"Girl, he is a player. Sucks all your nectaur and leaves you dry. Quick close your petals."

Two bee drones talking in a bee hive:
"Incredible; they are claiming that we are bombing innocent civilians in foreign countries."

Two wild horses looking at a saddle horse:
"What happened?"
"He tried to join the herd but didn't know the secret pass word."

Two female birds looking at a male bird bobbing up and down courting them.
"What is he doing?"
"Trying to dance, but can't dance a lick."
"He expects to get girls dancing like that?"
"I guess not. But he does have a big bag of bird seed hidden in a tree."
"Really, well, he is looking cuter."

Two male birds courting a female bird:
One says: "She'll choose me. I got coupons."

Two chickadees talking:
"What's up with the Crows carrying batons?"
"Outrageous! They are now saying that flocking is illegal."

Two snow-birds flying south to Miami:
"First thing when we get there I am going to get me some serious beach time."
"Word." said the second snow bird.

One Parrot to another Parrot:
"What are you doing?"
"I am perfecting my Me-Too speech for the stockholders meeting next week."

One duck to another:
"I'm just saying I don't see what Mother Nature was thinking when she gave us this nose.
"Right," says the second duck, "let's flock over it and protest."

Hippo to Ducks:
"Stop complaining: Have you seen a Hippo butt lately? Who thought that was a good idea?"

Female Snail to Courting Male Snail:
"You are just not slimy enough for me."

Two flowers looking at a handsome humming bird:
One says: "He can suck my nectaur anytime."

Two Birds are sitting in a tree at night looking at a third bird:
"That bird was banned from the tree last night when we are sleeping."
Second Bird: "Why?"
"Sings in his sleep."

Two Birds listening to a Rooster crowing at 3am in the morning: "Somebody needs to get that chicken a watch."

Two Female Tortoises talking:
"Five years of dating and he never came out of his shell."

Baboon at the zoo looking at tourists:
"No way am I related to these people. Their fashion sense is horrible."

Mother Horse to Teen Horse:
Stay away from the Clydesdale Horses over there; drunk as skunks.

Two Buffalo standing outside a restrauant:
"Ok. We go in and we tell them point blank: Look, we don't have wings."

The last Duck in line as Mother Duck tries to get them to walk down the pond to learn to swim:
"I'm not going in there. Nothing but pond scum and pollution."

A Goose attacking the pant leg of a stroller in the park:
"Really fed up with your people shooting my people. And where, by the way, is Charles?"

Two Lions talking:
"You know the hunt just isn't worth it anymore. The "lopes" all now have cells phones. Can't sneak up on even the old ones now.

Two male Vultures talking:
"Why are you looking at me like that. I'm not dead."

Two deer looking at two buffalo:
"First they have no necks like football players, the back legs are too short, and get this they have the nerve to wear goatees."


Author: Lonnie Hicks
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{recently published}